Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
