Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
