She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
