lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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