Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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