I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
