I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the day after is always just damage control
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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