I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
