like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
