my phone needs a breathalizer
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
