Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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