remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
