so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
