M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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