I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
