Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
