Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
