We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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