You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
