I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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