My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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