I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
