So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
