Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
