Cold hands, warm shart.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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