Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
