your parents love me but you hate me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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