so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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