Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
