I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You're a waste of cheezeits
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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