Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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