I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
