Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
