Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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