i don't like sucking hair
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
