I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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