He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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