Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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