I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
