Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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