it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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