apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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