the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Sext me about skeletons
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
