after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
