I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
