I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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