There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
