Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
