i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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