i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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