He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
